An Open Letter to Alex Anthopoulos
It’s that time of year, the trade deadline is crashing down all around us and depending on which fanbase you are a part of, the sky is falling or your star is rising. I thought I would write an open letter to Alex Anthopoulos explaining to him how to manage this team so he can win the deadline and the World Series.
Dear Alex Anthopoulos,
So far you’ve been extremely lucky in how you have led this team. They have won in spite of you having overpaid a bum like Josh Donaldson (ignore that he has created the second most bWAR on the team, it’s a fluke), employing an incompetent manager like Brian Snitker (everyone knows that winning Manager of the Year doesn’t mean anything), and paying Nick Markakis to pay left field (never mind the fact he has a .346 OBP this season) and of course your incompetence at not paying stupid money this offseason to improve this bullpen (from 2nd in the NL to 1st).
But your simpering incompetence cannot be allowed to sit back and let this really good baseball team only be really good. You must go win the trade deadline. When you boil it all down, winning the trade deadline is so simple that a guy like me that has never even played pro baseball can tell you exactly how to be victorious. It boils down to just getting the right players that fit your team.
So here is the advanced strategy for you to win the trade deadline.
Alex, first you have to determine who the best players are for your team. Obviously, the best way to do this is to hop on the old twittersphere and pull up your secret account. (if you don’t have a secret account then I’m not sure if there is any hope for you) Then you just look at what everyone is complaining about. Of course you have to do it on different days of the week so that you get a full picture of who your worst players might be. Today it might be Luke Jackson and the desperate need for a closer, tomorrow it might be a defensive replacement for Nick Markakis, and then another day it’s a top-tier starter because the young guy who has two starts all year had a bad fill-in start. (Also be sure you read all the great trade scenario articles written by any of the 400 bloggers and podcasters that are far better at your job than you.)
It’s really not that hard. I mean obviously Braves Twitter keeps up with the pulse of this team better than anyone, and because they have access to sites like baseball ref and fangraphs then they are the absolute best in the world at advanced analytics, much better than the guys you pay to do it. They know which stats matter the most and have an extended track record of putting together winning teams, just check their fantasy baseball records if you have any doubts.
I would recommend the really smart guys who tweet a lot of stats and scold beat writers and fans alike about their stupid opinions. These guys are brilliant, don’t mistake their young age for lack of experience. These guys have been putting in extra hours on OOTP and MLB The Show and they really know how to make trades and manage a team.
Now that you have a good idea of who on your team sucks, it’s just a matter of getting a list of really good players that you can go and get. Now this is important, be sure you are following Jon Heyman, Ken Rosenthal, and Jon Morosi and after that make sure you watch a lot of MLB Network. I mean you can’t miss out on the deep knowledge of these “retired” GMs and former players with brilliant trade ideas. These guys will tell you exactly who is available and what you should trade for them. I mean they have brilliant ideas like trading Christian Pache, Drew Waters, and Ian Anderson for a month and a half of Madison Bumgarner and Will Smith. They aren’t phased by silly ideas like unequal value or long-term team building strategy, they have the stones to just give you the advice you need to really win now.
Now if you really want to win, you have to be willing to take steps that no other GM will take. Since you’ve heard the best players in the league and the places you need to fix on your team. You have to be willing to really pull out all the stops to go get them. For example, people are saying you need a frontline starter. Well here’s who you need… Max Scherzer. I mean everyone knows he’s the best pitcher in the National League, so let’s go get him for the Atlanta Braves. Who cares that the Nationals aren’t interested in trading him. Mike Rizzo is a joke, just send Fred McGriff, Terry Pendleton, and Ryan Klesko to make him an offer he can’t refuse. Maybe one of the President’s heads shows up in his bed when he wakes up in the morning, maybe the fake pennants flying end up used to tie up a naked Davey Martinez to Rizzo’s office chair. I don’t care what you have to do, just make it happen. You have the resources to make this team great.
On the other hand, there are players that might actually be available just at ridiculous prices, like Kirby Yates. We all know AJ Preller is a shady SOB. There is no way a white boy with a pretty face like that is squeaky clean. I’m betting you can snoop around in his international signings, maybe contact his coke dealer, who knows, perhaps even stir up some kind of social justice controversy surrounding San Diego, and voilà, Kirby Yates for Kolby Allard.
This is easy Alex. I don’t know why it is taking you so long. Feel free to wink twice if Terry McGuirk has you locked in his closet and isn’t letting you touch his checkbook. I’m sure I can find you plenty of financial gurus on the ol’ Twittersphere who would whip your books into perfect shape and leave you with tons of financial flexibility.
You owe the fans a championship sir, and now you know how to do it. Hop to it. Otherwise Twitter will spam the @Braves twitter account with the most powerful thing in the world, the face of Tiger Woods.
Genius Braves Twitter GM